Sometimes it’s a matter of courtesy, sometimes it’s a matter of safety –but there are some things better left unsaid on an airplane.
Here’s my list of eight of these no-no’s – and feel free to add your own in the comments section.
The List: Eight Things You Should Never Say on an Airplane
1. “Have you seen my doggie?”
Please don’t say this. It means you decided to let Fifi out of the carrier, even though that’s not allowed. Keep him caged – or risk having your pet bounce around the ceiling during turbulence, or smacked by an errant drink cart. Or get shoved in an overhead bin.
Keep reading for more –including the ever popular “Do you know who I am?”
2. “I’m sure if you put me in first class, the urge to hurl will pass.”
You didn’t pay for first class, so you’re not going to get first class – not matter how many empty seats there are and no matter how many threats you make. Your only chance is if you’re an elite member of a miles club. If not, forget it – all you’ll do is annoy everyone else in steerage.
3. “Just ignore it – I hear some pilots never turn off that ‘buckle up’ sign.”
Some pilots do indeed keep the seat belt sign lit even when there’s no need to – but that’s not typical. Besides, turbulence can come out of nowhere, without warning: if you’re not buckled up, that crazy shaking can hurt you – badly. Why take a chance? Keep your belt on.
4. “I’ll hang up when I’m good and ready, lady – besides, we’re still at the gate.”
Will the plane explode if you keep talking on your cell phone? Doesn’t matter – if a flight attendant tells you to turn it off, you turn it off. Or continue your conversation with the cops. And no, the plane will probably not explode – but your head might, once the crew starts screaming at you.
5. “Why does that lady have no clothes on?”
Let’s just hope you never have to hear this – especially from a child. In other words, keep those NSFW pictures off your laptop if you’re going to use it during a flight. The little kid doesn’t want to see those Vegas vacation photos, and neither do I.
6. “Listen, Captain, your attitude stinks!”
Maybe pilots aren’t paid as much as they used to be, but you better believe every one of them is still king (or queen) of the cockpit, so pick a fight with them at your peril. Just ask the flight attendant who dared argue with the monarch – who then diverted the flight, and kicked the offending crew member off the plane.
7. “Wait a minute – your ticket cost $300 less than mine?”
Mom always said, don’t talk about religion and money – so don’t ask your seatmate what his ticket cost or risk spending the rest of the flight berating yourself. On the other hand, if it galvanizes you into signing up for real-time email alerts or doing something really cool like following deals “from your airport” on Twitter, then – that’s a good thing!
8. “Do you know who I am?”
This is the one, sure-fire way to turn everyone against you – although maybe if you’re Simon Cowell, you won’t much care. One of my employees swears she heard a female passenger use this immortal phrase on a flight attendant, who merely smiled sweetly and said, “Sorry, I don’t — but let’s take a look at your ticket – I’m sure your name’s there.”